Thursday, November 13, 2008

'How I Came to Have Dog Pee In My Hair' or 'How to Remove Turmeric Stains'

I considered not posting this for fear that the menz would cease lining up at the metaphorical door. That's a figure of speech my mom overuses to refer to people's insatiable attraction to me. Born with it. I could teach you but I'd have to charge.  Anyway, I figured I can do without the line of men now. I've been trying one on for size and after seven short years, I'm getting the feeling I've handpicked the best boy for the job.

 This is a little story about a typical morning at my house and how this one might take the cake. 
It isn't uncommon for me to bathe the boys three times in one day, find malt-o-meal in my ear, or discover that the source of the awful smell that has been lingering in the house is a little spot on my shirt that was deposited while carrying a stinky boy to the changing table.

Pure evil!

I tell myself that all stay at home mommies and daddies go through this and laugh it off. Today, I'm wondering if other mommies get dog pee in their hair. And if they do, I have a feeling they take a shower BEFORE they sit down to blog about it. I, on the other hand, grabbed a headband and proceeded with my daily tasks until it dried. Once the initial disgust and anger wore off and my hair dried a bit, it wasn't nearly as urgent as getting the bed made. (Bye bye last bit of sex appeal!)

Today the boys awake at 5 a.m. so I drag them into bed with me. At around 7, they are both head-butting me in the nose for whatever reason. When I come to, I immediately recognize the warm dampness on the sheets (that I changed yesterday) and my night shirt (o.k., maybe it was time to throw that one in the wash anyway). This is a sign that it's going to be one of those days. In my pee pee shirt, I drag myself out of my pee bed and am making way to the wipes and diapers when my ears are filled with a harmonious refrain, "BANANAAAAA! BANANAAAAA!..." I grab bananas, wipes, diapers, and some juice hoping that if I stock up, I can lay in bed for another 30 minutes . In the kitchen Beni sicked up whatever he ate while wandering the neighborhood yesterday onto my floor and I stepped in it. In the time it takes me to get the goods, the boys both number two in their already full diapers. It's o.k., I was going to have change the sheets anyway. I realize I'm never getting back to my cozy bed so I make hot cereal and give the boys a proper breakfast in the kitchen. As they chow, I peel the sheets off of the bed while Beni whimpers at the door. When I get to the kitchen, there is Cream of Wheat all over their heads, torsos, and the walls. I let Beni into the back yard leaving the door open while I make my coffee and holler,"Don't run off Beni! I'm watching you!" in my most threatening tone. Of course, by the time I make it back to the door, he's gone. This is all pretty typical. I clean up the boys and cross my fingers that Beni doesn't get hit by a car or bite some child. Hopefully he'll be unharmed and harmless until Steffin gets home and we can go find him. 

Now that things are finally getting cleaned up, Elliot insists on painting. This part of the story tells itself.

While taking a bath in grey painty water, they start singing again,"AGUA? AGUA!? JOOSH? DWINK?..." So I run to the kitchen to grab some beverages and in a matter of about 30 seconds (no they haven't drowned, sickos) they have pulled all of the toilet paper into the bathtub. It is dissolving into mush that will plague my drain for weeks I assume. I have to take the colander and sift toilet paper out of the tub water before I drain it while the boys are yelling,"OUT? OUT? OUT?" in my ears. I'm slipping on a wet bathroom floor and thinking of the paint mess in the kitchen. This portion of clean-up takes over an hour of my day. 

Finally I can get to the dishes. I'm hunting for stray sippy cups under the couch, I sit up and feel wetness on my face. I have put my damned head in a dang puddle of damn dog pee. WHY did Beni pee in the house? I thought I was so prompt in reacting to his morning whimpering. UGH! He is such a liar! I look under the piano and don't find sippy cups but a black plastic head band that will keep the pee bangs out of my eyes and I remember how rewarding this job is.

It is not even eleven o' clock yet and I am covered with nearly every different type of body fluid. Impressive. 
Time for lunch!

(Vegan cheese is yummy but so stainy! To remove turmeric stains: Rub a lemon wedge on the stain and let it dry in the sun, then wash as usual. Or try the same process with hydrogen peroxide.)