Thursday, November 13, 2008

'How I Came to Have Dog Pee In My Hair' or 'How to Remove Turmeric Stains'

I considered not posting this for fear that the menz would cease lining up at the metaphorical door. That's a figure of speech my mom overuses to refer to people's insatiable attraction to me. Born with it. I could teach you but I'd have to charge.  Anyway, I figured I can do without the line of men now. I've been trying one on for size and after seven short years, I'm getting the feeling I've handpicked the best boy for the job.


 This is a little story about a typical morning at my house and how this one might take the cake. 
It isn't uncommon for me to bathe the boys three times in one day, find malt-o-meal in my ear, or discover that the source of the awful smell that has been lingering in the house is a little spot on my shirt that was deposited while carrying a stinky boy to the changing table.



Pure evil!



I tell myself that all stay at home mommies and daddies go through this and laugh it off. Today, I'm wondering if other mommies get dog pee in their hair. And if they do, I have a feeling they take a shower BEFORE they sit down to blog about it. I, on the other hand, grabbed a headband and proceeded with my daily tasks until it dried. Once the initial disgust and anger wore off and my hair dried a bit, it wasn't nearly as urgent as getting the bed made. (Bye bye last bit of sex appeal!)



Today the boys awake at 5 a.m. so I drag them into bed with me. At around 7, they are both head-butting me in the nose for whatever reason. When I come to, I immediately recognize the warm dampness on the sheets (that I changed yesterday) and my night shirt (o.k., maybe it was time to throw that one in the wash anyway). This is a sign that it's going to be one of those days. In my pee pee shirt, I drag myself out of my pee bed and am making way to the wipes and diapers when my ears are filled with a harmonious refrain, "BANANAAAAA! BANANAAAAA!..." I grab bananas, wipes, diapers, and some juice hoping that if I stock up, I can lay in bed for another 30 minutes . In the kitchen Beni sicked up whatever he ate while wandering the neighborhood yesterday onto my floor and I stepped in it. In the time it takes me to get the goods, the boys both number two in their already full diapers. It's o.k., I was going to have change the sheets anyway. I realize I'm never getting back to my cozy bed so I make hot cereal and give the boys a proper breakfast in the kitchen. As they chow, I peel the sheets off of the bed while Beni whimpers at the door. When I get to the kitchen, there is Cream of Wheat all over their heads, torsos, and the walls. I let Beni into the back yard leaving the door open while I make my coffee and holler,"Don't run off Beni! I'm watching you!" in my most threatening tone. Of course, by the time I make it back to the door, he's gone. This is all pretty typical. I clean up the boys and cross my fingers that Beni doesn't get hit by a car or bite some child. Hopefully he'll be unharmed and harmless until Steffin gets home and we can go find him. 




Now that things are finally getting cleaned up, Elliot insists on painting. This part of the story tells itself.




While taking a bath in grey painty water, they start singing again,"AGUA? AGUA!? JOOSH? DWINK?..." So I run to the kitchen to grab some beverages and in a matter of about 30 seconds (no they haven't drowned, sickos) they have pulled all of the toilet paper into the bathtub. It is dissolving into mush that will plague my drain for weeks I assume. I have to take the colander and sift toilet paper out of the tub water before I drain it while the boys are yelling,"OUT? OUT? OUT?" in my ears. I'm slipping on a wet bathroom floor and thinking of the paint mess in the kitchen. This portion of clean-up takes over an hour of my day. 

Finally I can get to the dishes. I'm hunting for stray sippy cups under the couch, I sit up and feel wetness on my face. I have put my damned head in a dang puddle of damn dog pee. WHY did Beni pee in the house? I thought I was so prompt in reacting to his morning whimpering. UGH! He is such a liar! I look under the piano and don't find sippy cups but a black plastic head band that will keep the pee bangs out of my eyes and I remember how rewarding this job is.



It is not even eleven o' clock yet and I am covered with nearly every different type of body fluid. Impressive. 
Time for lunch!


(Vegan cheese is yummy but so stainy! To remove turmeric stains: Rub a lemon wedge on the stain and let it dry in the sun, then wash as usual. Or try the same process with hydrogen peroxide.)

11 comments:

Adan said...

Remember that time in a message I mentioned I was warming up to the idea of kids? Upon reading this blog I don't think I would be able to stop laughing enough to be a good father.

Pill Box Tales said...

This is a great story. I feel like I have had one of those days, but I don't think anything I could come up with in my own head could be as amazing as your real life. Your kids keep you on your toes. Gotta love em.

How do you get vegan cheese to melt like that? I'm dying for cheese and broccoli...

I'm Cammi said...

I don't usually use store bought vegan cheese. Especially cheddar. Occasionally I use the Follow Your Heart Mozzarella or Monterey Jack but usually I make it. There are good vegan cheese recipes all over the internet. They usually call for nooch (nutritional yeast), cashews, lemon juice, and some spices. I add turmeric mainly for color but I'm shooting myself in the foot because it stains like a mug. I have played around with so many recipes and feel like it gets better every time. Once I perfect it, I plan on posting a recipe. Honestly, I've never found anything that tastes anything like Velveeta or even melted cheddar but it's still yummy and it satisfies that craving. This stuff you don't even have to melt because by nature it is already that consistency.

I'm Cammi said...

Adam... the fact that you would be laughing is what will make you such a great daddy. Even before I had kids I thought you'd make a great dad and now that I have kids I KNOW it.

Curtis said...

You're an awesome mom, Cammi! I know it must get overwhelmingly stressful for you sometimes, but you're going to be rewarded by getting to witness the two greatest people in the world mature into intelligent, beautiful, talented people.

Honesty said...

I dont even know what I would do if that happened to me. You are so much nicer than me!!!

Liz said...

You are too funny! I will be wrapping up some drain-o and bleach to put under your Christmas tree. :-) Also, I know the feeling about dog pee. I live with a 20 year old incontinent chihuahua. Stepping in pee is part of my morning routine.

I'm Cammi said...

I can't believe Chica made it to 20! You'll have to drag her to her own funeral before she lets the other pets take over her throne!

DD said...

You are such an INCREDIBLE mother. Your boys are so blessed to have a mommy like you. I love ya'll to death but after reading this, I think I may be leaving in my I.U.D. for the full 10 yrs after all.

valerie said...

that picture of the boys painting is insane! i just love how oliver's hand is on his face and elliot is covered in black and his hair has wispy wings. this entire post is both hilarious and sweet. i'm glad you appreciate the humor in your daily adventures. i agree with everyone else - you are supermom.

i'm curious about the doll you made today. was it from a pattern or did you make it up? i hope you took a photo!

I'm Cammi said...

I took 2 quick photos even though I was in a huge hurry to run it to the birthday party because I knew you were going to ask. Maybe soon I'll post something about some of my handmade "softies" and stuff. I just never feel motivated to do it because of my crumby camera.